Nama-Slay: Indian Spells for Halloween

It’s surprising that Halloween hasn’t been adopted as an honorary Indian celebration, given that we also love letting mystical and supernatural forces guide us.

We brace ourselves during eclipses, starve our wives until the stars or moon come out, include mithai (sweets) in all our ceremonies, and put on costumes to become someone else.

But even though Halloween isn’t part of our culture, we can take inspiration from the spooky spells that encompass the celebration — and adjust it to serve our Indian-ness.

Purpose: To attract a partner and ward off people asking about your singleness.

Materials needed:

• Line sindoor through the parting of your hair

• Gather Bangkok’s best matchmaking aunties to help invoke this spell with you

Chant:
I’m pushing 30 without a marriage in sight,
Please help me manifest someone who is right.
I’m just asking for a partner who is nice and funny,
But make sure they also have lots of money.

Purpose: To be able to snack to your tummy’s content without gaining any weight.

Materials needed:

• A bubbling cauldron of chai

• The scent of something deep-frying from the kitchen

Chant:
Aunties are always inviting me to tea time at their house,
But telling me I’ve gotten fat and won’t find a spouse.
Then they force me to eat an array of pakora and sweets,
Please let my metabolism burn off these treats.

Purpose: To help you turn up to meetings and events on time.

Materials needed:

• All clocks set 15 minutes earlier

• No more excuses about traffic

Chant:
Pretty soon, no one is going to invite me to come out to play,
Because for hours, they wait while I sit on my bed, but say I’m on the way.
Oh, divine forces banish the Indian Standard Time (IST) that is part of my soul,
So, I can actually be on time and not stressed is the goal.

Purpose: To avoid being accosted by society members who are nosy about your life.

Materials needed:

• A disguise

• A story about “moving abroad”

• A good driver to help you make a getaway

Chant:
I can’t go to EmQuartier or any restaurant without running into an auntie,
And they all want to know every single detail about me.
From what I ate for breakfast to what size shirt I’m wearing,
Please cast this spell on them so they all just stop staring.

Purpose: To help you find reputable employment so that people are impressed with your career.

Materials needed:

• A resume written by ChatGPT

• A time machine to take you back to school so you can study harder

Chant:
Daddy used to pay for everything I could ever want,
But now he says it’s time for me to get a job that I can flaunt.
Maybe on Halloween, I will dress up with a stethoscope and white coat,
And pretend I’ve become a doctor on whom people will dote.