Spill the Chai: The Marriage “Expiration Date” in the Thai-Indian Community

In a Thai-Indian society that seems to still have a “Thai-Indian” road map, albeit a blurry one, that leads you to marriage, what are your thoughts about those who veer off a little (or a lot)?

We asked a couple of community members about their thoughts on societal expectations with bachelors and bachelorettes, discriminatory discourse, and if the “expiration date” for marriage still applies.

There is definitely a societal expectation for both “bachelors” and “bachelorettes.”

At a certain point, they age out of the “eligible” category, making it harder for them to find partners. We do have it a lot better today compared to our parents, but this bias still exists.

And while I haven’t personally been a victim of disparaging comments (considering I’m still safely in the “eligible” age category), I’ve heard from family members that they often get the typical, “When’s it your turn?” comment at social gatherings.

Here’s where the frustration is stronger for women: not only do they face these comments at a younger age, they have the additional reminder of their biological clock “running out of time.”

Regardless of whether the woman plans to have children or not, it’s uncomfortable and unfair to have her fertility discussed publicly.

Slowly, but surely, the concept of the expiration date is changing for both men and women. Young people are choosing to live on their terms and refusing to succumb to parental pressures (the question of whether this is indeed good or bad is an entirely different discussion).

The pressures of ensuring that daughters are married off and “taken care of” are also decreasing as women gain access to education and grow more financially independent, turning marriage into a choice.

Nevertheless, this change is slow, especially where women are concerned, bringing us back to the issue of the infamous biological clock.

Society has deemed age a huge consideration when it comes to choosing a life partner.

Marriage used to be part of the natural progression of life for young people, and in our culture, marriage is followed by children. Age, therefore, became the simplest, though inaccurate, gauge of fertility. It is no surprise that younger people are perceived to be more eligible.

Single women are often referred to as “expired” as they age. Our society makes it seem as if they are completely incapable of finding a suitable partner or spouse after they reach a certain age.

Some of these perceptions are informed by women’s ability to bear children. According to science, advanced maternal age can lead to issues with pregnancy or developmental disabilities in children.

However, the same is said about advanced paternal age, in that men who become fathers later in life risk having children with neuro-developmental disorders.

Men do not seem to deal with the same stigmas that come with marriage and ageing, even though it affects them more or less the same. It is still more socially acceptable for a man to remain unmarried into his 40s than a woman, despite these risks.

Negative comments were harmful when I was younger. Now that I know that they are untrue and unfair, I don’t pay any attention to them, and I advise my younger friends to do the same.

Marriage has also become less of a priority to me as I have invested in other areas of my life that have given me a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment.

I often see myself at odds with societal expectations, but I feel better equipped to hold my ground with what I know now. We all owe it to ourselves to live fully, despite what society demands of us.

The concept of an “expiration date” in marriage is changing for women, certainly.

Women are finding more fulfilment in building their careers and friendships, living alone and travelling, than in dating or getting married.

Marriage is seen more as an option than ever before, and so women are moving away from seeing it as having an “expiration date.”

I think this is a normal consequence of our fast-paced world: women are no longer dependent on men to provide for them, and so, with their often-newfound financial freedom, they have built their own lives.

Opting out of marriage seems to be a bit of an unintended consequence, but unmarried women do seem a lot happier for it!

Let’s explore various circumstances that drive our journeys in the “marriage” realm through the lens of gender.

Standards

“Men and women are both being pickier about the qualities they seek in their partners. They are less willing to compromise, more so as they get older, as they feel like they have held out so long for the right partner, or they feel more set in their ways and adjusting to just anyone would be more difficult.”

“Women are still more likely to ‘panic-marry’ than men. Age is a huge factor, as this affects family planning for women more than men.”

Second Chances from Make-Ups and Break-Ups

“There are second chances for both men and women in the community. However, I think men just have an easier time venturing out of their community for companionship, whereas women might take longer to make a true commitment as they still care more about their family, various adjustments, and their children, if they have any.”

“Is it just me, or do I see Thai-Indian men ending up with Thai women if they are divorced or can’t find anyone in the community? It is great to have a fail-safe like that. Unfortunately, it does not apply to Thai-Indian women.”

Bachelorhood

“I think marriage should only be considered when the girl and the boy are 25 years or older, as financial stability is vital in this economy.”

“Women are considered eligible bachelorettes until they are in their early 30s, since it still leaves time for them to family-plan and have the energy and the health to be involved in their children’s lives in a playful way.”

“Men are eligible bachelors all their lives if they are healthy and age like fine wine. If women aged well and were still drop-dead gorgeous as they got older, their ‘eligibility’ is affected because of family-planning issues.”

Stereotypes

“If women are older and still unmarried, they would be considered picky, whereas the assumption for men might be that he hasn’t found the right partner yet.”

“I think the stereotype is that men are approaching women now, but actually they are scared of rejection and wait for the woman to approach them.”

“Nowadays, everyone is assumed to have ‘experience’ in the dating realm, and if you don’t, then you are dismissed as ‘lying’ or judged. This applies to both boys and girls.”

View of Permanence of Marriage

“I think everyone still goes in thinking that marriage is for life. Why would they hold out for the ‘right’ partner if it wasn’t the case?”

“I think women have less of a barrier when it comes to divorce in terms of stigma from society, but raising their children in a broken home or financial instability are big factors to them staying. Be independent, ladies.”

Did you judge someone who trotted along their own way?

Did you approach a man differently from a woman in the same situation?

What’s your stance?