Nama Slay: New Year’s Resolutions Indians Should Not Make

Every January begins with optimism, fresh calendars, and a long list of promises we swear we’ll keep. But some New Year’s resolutions are simply not built to survive Indian families, traditions, and everyday chaos.

Even if we cut out the spoonful of sucrose in our morning, afternoon, and evening chai, being Indian means sweets mark every milestone.

An ecstatic grandmother will shove a saccharine treat in your mouth to celebrate her grandchild’s arrival; everyone in your family will force-feed you a massive spoonful of cake on your birthday; and let’s not forget, by 1 January, you will be at the temple for New Year’s blessings and be given prasad of calorie-laden barfi, laddoo, and gulab jamun.

Why does it have to taste so good?

We all have this ambition when we text our friends, “I’m on the way!” but we are actually on the way to our closet to figure out something to wear.

No matter how hard we try, we are always late because of traffic, unexpected inconveniences, or just who we are as people.

Meeting times in our society should be accepted as merely suggestions so that we can eradicate the anxiety of being “on time.”

This resolution is often triggered by one too many aunties asking, “Why do you look so tired?” or your mom scolding you for being lazy for needing so much sleep.

So, you vow to go to bed early and actually wake up in time for breakfast.

Until the clock reads 1:59 AM as you tell yourself, “Just one more episode.”

Next thing you know, it is lunchtime, served with a generous side of mum yelling, “Half the day is already gone, and you are just waking up?!”

On the hand that holds a ruler and maths textbook, you can be looked down upon for going out too much.

On the other hand, that’s balancing a serving platter and a glass of wine; you are guilt-tripped for not attending every wedding, birthday party, or kitty dinner.

Even if you manage to skip one social event, there will always be 10 more on the horizon.

You will persuade yourself you must attend the next one because people surely noticed you missed the last one, and that’s how the cycle continues.

This should be an achievable goal for Indians who haggle over everything and preserve their nice items in plastic, so they last forever.

But somehow this budgeting collapses when it comes time to give out envelopes, spend on festivals, or attend every “sale” that promises lots of discounts.

No wonder Dad is always lecturing us about the value of money, but good thing we just bought the latest headphones, so we can tune him out.