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Today, there are half a million Indians living in Thailand, and many have fully assimilated into Thai culture. For us third and fourth generation immigrants, we speak fluent Thai, proudly carry a Thai passport, and become obnoxiously vocal on the subject of pad krapao.
However, there are some lines that many have been societally programmed not to cross. Key among them is a union with someone outside our ethnic group AKA marrying someone who is not brown.
To be honest, I’ve always found this attitude to be elitist. While I have heard the argument of “preserving our culture”, it gives me the impression that the community believes ethnic Thai people and people of other backgrounds are good enough to do business with, good enough to befriend, but not good enough to marry.
The truth is, you have far more in common with the Thai boys and girls you went to school with than your exported brown fiancé from Malaysia, India, or the UAE.
When I first started dating my partner, who is half-Thai, my family was appalled. “Why have you brought a Siaman home?”, they asked.
It was a similar question when I was dating an American. “Tu gori naal vyaah karenga?”, they asked. Translation: you’re gonna marry a white girl?
In many ways our community has modernised, but clearly, some attitudes are still stuck in the 1800s. Many are so obsessed with keeping our culture pure, that we have forgotten to ask why.
Is it truly a necessity? Or is it our obsession with the family’s image that forces us to maintain the status quo?
Last year, I attended a Jewish-Indian wedding. It was unlike anything I had experienced before, with elements of both cultures intertwining in a week-long celebration of love.
I was exposed to many Jewish traditions like the breaking of the glass, or the Horah, when the groom and bride are hoisted on chairs as people dance in circles around them.
I am grateful that neither the bride nor the groom let their cultural differences get in the way of their love, allowing me and hundreds of people to be able to experience this one-of-a-kind ceremony.
Lastly, I want to say I’ve heard all the aunty and uncle lines. “It just doesn’t look right.” You’re narrow-minded. “What religion will their kids follow?” Whichever one they align with. Or both!
When you marry someone outside of your culture, your culture isn’t diluted, but rather transformed into a beautiful new one.
I asked two couples to talk about their own experience mixing two cultures, and here’s what they had to say:
How did your family and friends react when they first met your partner?
Aadi: They were quite receptive. When I introduced Carla to my parents, their first concerns were mainly with how she was, not where she came from. They really took a liking towards her, and fell in love with her personality the same way I did.
My friends on the other hand were shocked that I actually found someone that liked me back. I guess both my friends and family expected me to be with someone that would understand me more than someone of the same ethnicity, and my dating history was proof of that.
Carla: I told my mom first. She was initially surprised that I was interested in someone, and that they weren’t Mexican or White.
When my parents met Aadi for the first time, everyone acted really shy. I told both my parents and Aadi that if they all act as they usually do, they will love each other.
They weren’t against us dating, but my mom did ask how I felt about the cultural differences. She asked me if I worried about doing or saying something wrong.
My dad on the other hand was apprehensive the way dads usually are, but he loves Aadi. They are both very talkative.
Ultimately, my family were very supportive because they knew if I liked him then it was for a good reason, since I’m quite picky with people.
Do you feel that the attitudes towards interracial relationships have changed in the community? How so?
A: I grew up in Thailand, and interracial relationships have become a lot more accepted today compared to my parents’ time. We as a society have dealt with so many boundaries and borders, not only states, but also castes, and religions. It has become a lot better.
I myself am a product of an intercaste marriage, and I have experienced firsthand the stigma that comes along with it.
However, it is not all roses over here (America). They’re biased towards dating someone of a similar ethnicity, or from a Caucasian background.
With my wife being Mexican, the first few questions that generally come up are “Oh? How do your cultures align? How do you guys live together?”
I have also received backhanded remarks from people who are close to me, however, I take it in stride. I love the person I chose, and the person that chose me loves me too.
If you truly love someone, then the goal is growing together, rather than changing them based on who you are alone.
I would say it’s gotten better, but as a community, we still have a long road ahead of ridding ourselves of the inherent biases ingrained within us.
C: Growing up in America, I’ve seen a lot of interracial marriages happen around me. There are a lot of kids who grow up fully Mexican or even half Mexican but there still is a stigma within our community.
It’s quite ironic, because going back at least 150 years, there have been Indian-Mexican communities that have mixed together called Indian Chicanos who worked in farms and lived together in harmony.
Generally, we face similar stigmas to the Indian community, with them being charged at those who enter relationships with partners who aren’t Caucasian or Mexican.
I can’t speak on everyone’s behalf, as places like L.A. and San Francisco have many interracial relationships, but where I grew up, it was mostly white and Mexican.
Within my own community, I can say that there have been remarks about dating or marrying outside Mexican or White nationalities due to existing stereotypes.
What is something you have adopted from your partner’s culture, and something your partner has adopted from yours?
A: What surprised me the most was how similar Indian and Mexican cultures are. For example, you know they love their beans, and we have our rajma (kidney beans). They also love fireworks, especially when they celebrate Christmas, just as we do with Diwali.
Moreover, I was lucky to have picked up Spanish by talking to my in-laws, and Carla’s grandparents, allowing me a more in-depth understanding of Mexican culture.
We’ve adopted a lot of their traditional cooking techniques, and also the dishes that they make and also the dishes that they make like adobo and chorizo. I’ve even started mixing my bread and rice.
Importantly, I have learned from Mexican culture the ability to be yourself, and to be proud of who you are.
Mexican culture can be seen as macho and expressive, with a huge emphasis on community like with Indians. However, there’s a little nuance to it.
In Indian culture, it’s all about your social standing. Whereas in Mexican culture, it’s more to do with enjoying the moment and celebrating because things deserve to be celebrated, rather than having to celebrate for the sake of the occasion.
C: The biggest thing is definitely food. Before I met Aadi, I had never tasted Indian food and only tried basic Thai dishes.
Now I can proudly say I’ve been exposed to more amazing cuisines than I would have if Aadi wasn’t in my life. I love biryani, chana masala (which he makes at home), som tam, pad krapao, and mango sticky rice.
Bollywood has also been a gateway that has allowed me to learn more about Indian history, culture, geography, and the interactions between people within different communities.
It’s hard with Aadi because he is a mix of Thai and South Indian. He represents two different communities.
Just adopting his way of life has allowed me a glimpse of what the Thai-Indian experience might be like, and it shows me how diverse customs can be even within the subcontinent of India, and also within Southeast Asia.
How did your family and friends react when they first met your partner?
My family and friends were very supportive of the situation. Most had already known and had a liking to him, albeit not as a romantic partner.
My favourite reaction was my grandfather, who said, “as long as he is a good man, nothing else and no one else matters.”
Coming from an older generation, that was very reassuring.
Do you feel that the attitudes towards interracial relationships have changed in the community? How so?
I remember at the beginning some people questioned why I chose him and not someone from the community.
I remember responding simply by saying “he will cook for me.” The point of this wasn’t that I needed a chef, it was that I wanted someone who respected me as an equal and would not make me conform to the traditional Thai-Indian relationship structure.
Not that anything is wrong with that, if that’s what you want. He was happy with exactly who I am, and was ready to look after me in all respects.
What is something you have adopted from your partner’s culture, and something your partner has adopted from yours?
Our cultures are more similar at the core than we realise. We both need a brew (chai/cup of tea) before we start the day.
But we definitely share food the Thai/Indian way. He wears chappals and will be the one to say “chalo” when we Indian circle.
I think I have adopted the western sense of privacy, where I will respect people’s personal space more than I used to.