Nama - Slay: Unspoken Rules of Being Indian

Like every culture, we Indians have our own set of expected guidelines that aren’t explicitly taught in books, but rather learned through our upbringing. Unless you want to be gossiped about at the next kitty party for your non-Indian faux pas behaviour, make sure you follow these unspoken rules.

Always give more than you receive

Faux pas: Your auntie friend sends you a delicious vegetarian cake for your birthday. You reply with a “thank you” message.

Correct Indian way: Any time you receive an item, even if the circumstance calls for it, you must send something back of greater value and ostentation. A “thank you” message must have the addition of, “and my driver is also dropping off a crate of peaches freshly flown in from Japan,” as a way to really show your appreciation. To which the recipient will scramble to deliver another gift in return, and the cycle continues.

Don’t forget to add “one” to money

Faux pas:You give an envelope to your niece containing THB 1,000.

Correct Indian way: Now, no one could ever accuse Indians of being cheap because when we give money, it doesn’t end with the number zero. Zero is believed to signify the completion of something, whereas the number one is seen to connote new beginnings and blessings. That’s why we give lifafa with figures like1,100 or 2,100 and so on. Make sure to keep track of how much you received from each person because you will be expected to give the same amount when required. That may actually be a way for Indians to earn back what they have given out, so maybe we are cheap after all.

Cutting hair or nails at certain times

Faux pas: You cut your hair and nails whenever you feel like it.

Correct Indian way: Don’t call your mom on your way to get a haircut at the salon if it’s a Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday because chances are she will scold you. Depending on who you ask, certain days are considered inauspicious for cutting your hair and we suppose that’s true if it has already resulted in you getting shouted at for doing so. Cutting nails at night is also believed to be disrespectful to divine forces so just don’t do it…or do it, but don’t tell anybody?

Greet everyone even if you don’t know them

Faux pas: Minding your own business.

Correct Indian way: How many times have you been hissed at by your parents for not doing namaste to Uncleji? Never mind that you have no idea who he is and he calls you Shruti even though that’s his maid’s name. You must always be respectful to any and all Indians you meet, especially the unknown ones like the people your parents force you to invite to your wedding. Remember when the random lady they met on the plane once 15 years ago took over the dance floor at your sangeet?

Worship books

Faux pas: You step on a book on the floor.

Correct Indian way: Ho hai! Not only do we have to respect people we don’t know, but we must worship books as well. Books are seen as a giver of knowledge and if your feet touch it, you have to hold the book up to your forehead (with your right hand!) and essentially apologise. We aren’t sure why books would be left on the floor and stepped on, and we should certainly honour sources of education, but we hope people are actually reading what’s inside those books. There’s one book you should definitely not step on! This columnist’s debut novel, Not Indian Enough, is available for order in Thailand using the QR code pictured. You could be forgiven for throwing the book on the floor because you will be laughing and relating so much!