Caring for Ageing Parents: When Family Becomes Caregiver

By Jasnam Sachathep

Watching your parents grow older, become frail, and slow down is probably one of the scariest things to witness in the world. When the two people who are the very reason you are who you are today suddenly become dependent on you, while you still feel like a child yourself in so many ways, the world shifts.

Life changes completely. And suddenly, there you are, worrying about all the things they once worried about for you. Every family and situation is different, and no two families manage it the same way.

Between the financial, emotional, and physical aspects of caring for ageing parents, there is so much to consider, and so many things that are difficult to navigate. For some, it is about who can financially support their parents. For others, it is about who lives closest, who has the time, or simply who naturally takes on more of the responsibility.

There really is no right or wrong way of doing it. What works for one family may not work for another. It is a conversation that I think more of us need to have, because eventually, most of us will find ourselves asking the same questions.

I did a deep dive and asked a few members of the community to share how they navigate the journey of caring for their parents whilst balancing their own lives. The honesty and vulnerability that people shared really proved that there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to caring for our parents.

There is a beautiful saying: “The hands that once held ours when we were small are the same hands we must hold when they grow old.” I believe these words beautifully capture what family and gratitude truly mean to me.

Our parents spend so much of their lives protecting us, guiding us, worrying about us, and making sacrifices often without ever expecting anything in return. The sleepless nights, the emotional and financial struggles, the compromises, and the unconditional love they give us are things we may never be able to repay.

Personally, I strongly believe that when our parents grow older or become unwell, being there for them is one of the most meaningful ways we can show our gratitude. And I don’t mean only financially.

Sometimes, what they need most is our time, our presence, a listening ear, patience, reassurance, and simply knowing that they are not alone.

Of course, every family is different. Not everyone has experienced a loving or healthy relationship with their parents. For those who have experienced neglect, toxicity, or hurt, the idea of responsibility can be far more complicated.

Caring for someone does not mean accepting harmful behaviour or erasing our own wounds. But where there has been love, sacrifice, and care, I feel we have a responsibility to offer the same dignity and compassion when our parents need us.

For me, looking after ageing parents isn’t simply a duty, it is a reflection of who we are. It is about remembering where we came from and appreciating the people who helped us become who we are today.

And perhaps the greatest lesson we can give our own children is through the way we treat our parents. They are watching us learn what love, responsibility, compassion, and family truly mean.

We may never be able to repay our parents for everything they have done for us. But we can make sure that when they need us most, they don’t have to walk through that chapter alone.

Because the hands that once held us, protected us, and guided us through life deserve to be held with the same love when they grow old.

We often forget (or perhaps don’t fully realise) that as we grow older, so do our parents. And with that comes a whole new kind of responsibility: hospital visits, illnesses, appointments, decisions and the everyday worries that come with watching the people who cared for us begin to need care themselves.

As an Indian living in the context of joint families, I sometimes feel like there is a kind of “double caregiving” that comes with marriage—not just for my own parents, but also for my in-laws.

As a married woman, I sometimes feel the pressure of that responsibility more. Not because anyone has explicitly placed it on me, but perhaps more because of my own personality.

I naturally feel the need to look out for the people around me and make sure everyone is okay, which can sometimes make the responsibility of caring for elders feel heavier.

We have siblings on both sides, of course, but everyone is different in their personalities, circumstances, relationships, and capacity to give. And I’ve realised that expecting someone else to care for parents in exactly the same way I would is probably unrealistic…and can sometimes create more resentment than help.

Ideally, I believe caring for ageing parents should be a team effort. But a team doesn’t necessarily mean everyone does the same thing.

One person may provide physical care, another may manage hospital visits, someone else may contribute financially, while another may simply be the person who calls every day and keeps everyone connected.

Interestingly, while I try not to subscribe to the idea that sons should inherently carry more responsibility simply because they are sons, I do feel a certain comfort knowing that someone lives with my parents.

I find it reassuring to have a family member physically present because their presence creates this feeling of a shared responsibility. It’s not about one person being more responsible or more capable than the other but instead, a joint commitment.

They can see what is happening day to day, respond when something comes up, and help guide the larger family through decisions.

Perhaps that is what caregiving eventually comes down to. It’s not who is supposed to take care of our parents, but how families find a way to share the responsibility that works for everyone.

Because equality in a family may not always look like everyone doing the same thing. Sometimes, it simply means making sure no one person feels like they are carrying it alone.

Personally, I think this is a very sensitive topic. From the financial side of things, if the parents are well-to-do and have an established family business, the situation is not so worrisome. They are able to access their own funds and savings to support themselves.

However, if parents are retired and dependent on their children, the situation becomes more tricky. Children have to support their parents, but not all children have the same capability to do so.

Living in a society where “face” matters a lot, this can sometimes cause bigger problems than needed.

Besides the financial aspect, I think there is a bigger issue at hand that relates to the time spent with ailing and ageing parents.

As we grow, start our own families and take on increased responsibilities, decisions become more sensitive and harder overall. Simple things like travelling with them or taking them around, which used to be easy and effortless before, now require more thinking and logistical management.

Between kids and elders, it’s double the load in many ways.

I am the eldest son of three, and the time I spend with my mother is never enough. As hard as I try, I find myself juggling what sometimes feels like an impossible act between my young kids, my wife, my business, my friends, my siblings, and my parents.

More than just taking care of them when they need it, being physically present and giving them time is a magic potion of its own. Sometimes, simply being there is just as important as anything else we can do for them.

Both sets of parents are around the same age, and they’ve all started showing serious signs of ageing. It’s been a scary reality to face.

Financially, I haven’t had to take on any responsibility for either side. Both families have the means to manage on their own, which really eases the stress of the situation. But the physical and emotional side has been exhausting.

Luckily for me, I have amazing siblings on both sides. There’s this unspoken understanding that we’re all doing our best.

We can’t all contribute the same amount, so we divide and conquer. There are things I can do well: financial planning, property management, and even enforcing stricter boundaries around their health while my siblings take on more of the doctor’s appointments and household chores.

Nothing is fixed; we each do what we can, when we can. We all have busy lives, and we pick up the slack when someone is going through a demanding season of their own.

The one thread that holds us together, and makes this difficult phase a little easier, is that we all agree on what needs to be done. Being on the same page makes it so much easier to get things done and reach the outcomes we want for them.

Watching your parents age and lose their independence is a heartbreaking experience. It’s hard to step up and be the “bad guy” to be firmer in the face of their stubbornness or childlike behaviours but having a team on both sides really helps.

No one questions what the other person is doing. We’re all doing our best, and we all want the best for our parents. That unity makes it a little less heartbreaking.

Ageing is a very sensitive topic, and one that reveals profound awareness only as you age yourself. When you have glimpses of how your body can let you down despite sheer will and determination for independence, you have a little access to the anxiety and fear that our parents/grandparents most likely are experiencing.

I have told myself that I’m going to be financially independent and perhaps put myself in an age-old home, so that I am not a burden to my son. However, I am scared of being around strangers when I am vulnerable.

I might even beg him to take care of me. How undignified is that? That begs the question, which sibling will take care of our ageing parents?

If there is shared responsibility, that is best. If there isn’t, I guess it doesn’t matter.

I may have resentment, it may cause a breakdown in my own marriage, and I may hate every second of it, but there is no way in hell I am going to leave my parents to fend for themselves when they are old.

And since I have this view for my parents, then I have to grudgingly understand my husband’s need to do the same. It’s as simple as that.