We always look forward to, celebrate, and reminisce our firsts. First love, first degree, first child. Let’s talk about that last one because there is a whole world around starting a family: first positive pregnancy test, first ultrasound, first gender reveal, first pregnancy photoshoot, first birthing experience, and that’s just getting there.
Then, the baby comes and it’s their first birthday, first cake smash, and your first time being a parent.
Okay, and what about the second?
I did not think much about how my second pregnancy would feel until I was already in the thick of it. With my first, every twinge and worry got my full attention. This time, there simply wasn’t room, not with a toddler who needed feeding, entertaining, and chasing after.
Before my second was born, I wondered so much about whether there would be enough love. Could the heart really stretch to hold another the way it held the first? The answer, I discovered, is that it doesn’t stretch at all. It simply grows new chambers.
I thought the first pregnancy had taught me everything about hardships, until I dislocated my knee in a fall, my son scratched my cornea in his sleep, and I found myself hobbling around on crutches with an eye patch. I was an actual pirate minus the treasure. But there is no slowing down when your first child still needs you, knee or no knee.
And nothing prepared me for how different my first and second would be. My eldest weighs up every step before walking down the stairs. My second dove headfirst off the sofa and broke his arm without a second thought. Chalk versus cheese, chaos versus slightly different chaos, and yet our family feels so utterly, inexplicably complete.
The moments that undo me most are the ones they share when they think nobody’s watching. I wish more than anything that I could make those moments stand still.
The “second time around” brought many unexpected firsts. With pregnancy, it was the first time I knew what to expect so it eased my journey. I also gained new knowledge about pregnancy in general, so even the second time was insightful.
It was also the first time childbirth was bliss. Both my children were C-section babies and the first time, my core took a hard hit but the second time, I healed much faster and was up and running in a few weeks.
As parents, we promote unity and sharing at home so my son and daughter have a lot of shared toys, shared spaces, bottles, and plates with very little individualism in their routine. I do not view them as my first and second or older and younger, I view them as “together.”
When it came to extended family, both times, the grandparents were overjoyed and my daughter was just as welcomed and cherished as her brother was. I did receive more help though, with my second since I was the working mom of a toddler.
I had a much more relaxed approach and mindset the second time around. Both deliveries and births were fairly similar and having gone through it once before, I knew what to expect, which helped me feel much calmer and mentally prepared for and during the second.
Parenting is parenting—there’s really no one-size-fits-all answer because every family and every child is different. But if I compare myself as a parent the second time around, I was definitely more relaxed.
You learn from your mistakes, you stop stressing over every little thing, and you become much more confident. It’s very much a case of “been there, done that.”
That doesn’t mean I loved or celebrated my second child any less. In fact, I made a conscious effort to keep things equal. We did the maternity photoshoots, the newborn shoots, and all the little milestones, just as we did with our first.
Perhaps the biggest difference was me. I was not trying to be the perfect parent anymore—I was simply trying to be a present one. I trusted my instincts more and worried less about doing everything exactly “by the book.”
In many ways, the second time around felt less overwhelming and more enjoyable because I knew that not every phase lasts forever.
I wanted a sibling for my first born but, honestly, that was the wrong way to think about it. Every child needs attention, every child needs presence. I was much older the second time, so it was not as easy as the first. Pregnancy was hard. I was worried about stats and if my age would affect the baby. I was just worried all the time. Seeing my daughter, though, and holding her, reassured my heart and made it worth it.
I feel very happy when I see my two kids talk to each other, especially since they are both in their teenage years. They confide in each other in a way that they cannot confide in me. I feel relief when I see that they have each other, and I love them both. However, not many people know this, I developed an autoimmune condition after my second birth due to lack of sleep and the stress on my body to parent and take care of another child. Now, I am on lifelong medication and have a lot of restrictions in terms of movement and diet. This also affected my ability to parent and be fully present.
There seems to be more fuss and anticipation for the first—ultimately the unknown and the excitement of achieving a milestone. The vision is acute and the attention to detail is spectacular.
There seems to be more clarity and confidence with the second—the beautiful wisdom of “all will be okay” even though the second may be different to the first. The vision is long-sighted, with an ongoing, subtle attention to family unity and harmony.
It seems that the first unravels a whole universe for the parents, but the second is second to none.