For years, many of us slept soundly, even through blanket hoarding, night feeds, and waiting up for our teens.
But now, with age-related health issues, sleep becomes disruptive and elusive, with some needing crucial apparatuses through the night that gurgle and wheeze — disturbing not only our own sleep but that of the spouse sharing our bed and our lives.
Is it then not time to rethink the sleeping arrangements and either move into separate rooms or opt for separate beds, if the disturbances are still tolerable?
These measures aren’t retreats from intimacy, but ways of respecting each other’s specific needs, which’ll further nourish the long-standing bond.
The following are my co-seniors’ opinions.
• Sauce for the gander ought to be sauce for the goose; or vice versa, whatever works. Although there are good arguments for the benefits, I can’t see the need to sleep apart.
In fact, it could worsen the situation during the inevitable, occasional cold and withdrawn periods. The institution of marriage is for as long as ‘we shall live’, for keeps. So, separate bedrooms are a no-no!
• To each their own; I personally love knowing he’s next to me!
• It’s not easy to be open about sleeping separately, which can be misconstrued as the couple not getting along.
Also, sleeping apart could make bouncing back together tough. Anyway, I’d rather have someone I love and am comfortable with to hold me, comfort me on my sad/bad days.
• I’m old-fashioned and against the idea of separate bedrooms, and I also doubt people have extra bedrooms nowadays.
Marriage being a sacred bond, there is a need for tolerance of each other’s flaws and consideration for the diverse wants and habits.
What example are we setting if we cannot maintain a friendly, respectful relationship that goes beyond the “I, me, my” attitude?
Sure, we all need space sometimes; a time to ourselves, but that’s possible while being together and yet being silent and nonintrusive.
Most are just trivial irritants; so, while absorbing the beauty of married life, enjoy the togetherness, till it lasts.
• I snore, and my husband is a light sleeper, so we took up separate rooms.
Now, we’re free to sleep and wake up at whatever time we like. But there are many a nights I sleep uneasily, as he’s a heart patient, and when I don’t feel so well, I feel that little something missing; not the intimacy, but a sense of belonging.
Our attempt to move back together failed; I was too conscious of my snoring and couldn’t fall asleep.
• Agree and disagree. A lot depends on the tolerance and commitment of the couple; their mutual understanding and whether their relationship is secure and they are free to be themselves in front of each other.
Then, where and how they sleep doesn’t matter, and whatever issues might warrant sleeping separately can easily be hashed out.
That’s if there’s still love and a willingness to see the marriage through. If that’s no longer in the picture, then sleeping arrangements become redundant.
Given life and its curve balls, tolerating small irritants and minor discomforts will only make the bond more resilient — much needed for today’s youth.
On the flip side, being independent and indifferent for too long can potentially kill the connection.
• It’s worked out well for us for more than 15 years. One, I like to read; she prefers watching TV.
Two, I sleep early; she sleeps late. Three, I like a cold room; she doesn’t. And finally, fortunately, we have the extra room; in hotels, we opt for twin beds.
• Shame is judged by others. At our age, who cares! But then, don’t do it for solitude. For many of us, solitude will come soon enough; not too many couples were as blessed as my parents, who spent 70 years of togetherness and departed this world just eight months apart.
So, be together as long as you can.