Our get-togethers have become more high-stakes because of social media announcing every party, every guest, every lavish detail, and then repeating these images again on your feed.
Thus, who do you invite when you know that no matter the event or occasion, and regardless of who is invited, everyone will be watching anyway?
The following factors affect whether or not you make the guest list and, if you are in charge of the invitations, will guide you on who makes the cut:
It matters if it’s a milestone event. How you look at it matters, too. One might keep the guest list small and intimate because the event is more personal and meaningful.
However, certain people might expect to be invited because they persuaded you to hold an event in the first place.
If the intention is to celebrate loudly (the location, caterers, décor, proximity to the host will indicate this), people may expect to be invited or throw a fit if they weren’t.
You might not be able to fit 100 people in your home, but if you’re renting out an event space in a snazzy hotel, what’s one more person?
Who you are and how you present yourself to the community matters.
If you have set a precedent of hosting only intimate get-togethers, or the opposite, others may hold you to that expectation regardless of the season.
If you’re chained to the hustle, family-oriented, or an avid traveller, friends and family (and others) take that into consideration and may alter their expectations accordingly.
If you gain a partner, you naturally have to split time between old and new relationships.
In terms of your love life, it makes sense to want to be around people from your partner’s circle, sometimes forcing yourself to slowly adjust into new friendships.
A whole new set of rules applies when you have children. It might not be about what you want anymore, but rather what your co-parent, child, and other household members want.
You may not always be invited to a child’s birthday party, or you may receive an invite and have to come to terms with margherita on the menu, not “Margaritaaaa.”
In the case of the guest list, context matters and personal choice triumphs. Let’s explore how our fellow Thai-Indian party-goers and party-throwers feel:
I think the way I invite people has changed over the years to mirror my priorities and the lessons that I learn as life passes.
Before, I used to have this “Indian Wedding” mentality when I hosted important events—inviting people that I did not necessarily spend much time with but liked, or felt like they invited me, so I must reciprocate, and so on.
This past year, I have learned how to cater to and nurture the relationships I already have, compared to trying to accommodate everyone or disperse my energy everywhere.
I no longer include people out of formality, as I can only give so many people my undivided attention and energy.
In terms of how I feel when I am not invited somewhere, I have to look at the context of the circumstance. I might feel a little jaded if a huge fuss was made of the event, and I could have been invited but wasn’t.
When hosting large events like children’s birthdays, I would try my best to invite everyone I felt necessary.
For example, my child’s friends from school and the community, my own friends with children of similar ages, cousins with children, etc. I would also invite friends who invited my child to their events.
I prefer smaller get-togethers where I can be myself, relaxed, and stress-free. Birthdays and occasions that are about genuine catch-ups, making deeper connections (that aren’t necessarily Instagram picture-perfect), and spending time with people who have sincere and real love for me and my family take precedence.
Because I prefer intimate celebrations, I may not feel compelled to invite others who invited me to a larger-scale function. But if they did hold a smaller function and didn’t invite me, I would try not to take it personally.
Furthermore, post-COVID, I think things have also changed significantly. Societal obligations are less important, weddings have become more intimate, and people are prioritising their own mental health and capacity rather than obligations to the community.
It is also more sensible financially. We are kind of the in-between generation. Our parents have a lot of pressure and obligations, whereas our children will likely have no formalities. But we understand both viewpoints and are navigating our own paths in life.
The way we celebrate my son Nameh’s birthday has changed. It was usually a mix of my friends, my husband’s friends and family, and Nameh’s friends.
Up until his third birthday, we tried to include our crowd, but now that he’s getting older, I think it makes more sense to focus on inviting his friends—the ones he’s closest to and enjoys spending time with—rather than his parents’ friends and acquaintances.
With regards to receiving invites, the way in which I respond really depends on the relationship I have with the host and the type of event.
Generally, I don’t make a big deal of it; for example, if a friend doesn’t invite my son to their child’s party, I understand there may be an age gap or limited space.
However, if it’s someone I’m very close to and a different kind of event, I would bring it up if I felt hurt. Thankfully, I haven’t been in a situation to do so, but if I ever were, I wouldn’t necessarily stop including the person, but I would want to clear the air and move forward.