BY AIDEN JEWELLE GONZALES
For the inauguration of our newest section, we’ve asked planners and attendees of weddings in Thailand to Spill the Chai on the spiciest happenings in and around the mandap.
Everyone knows someone who’s heard from an auntie who heard from her niece a particularly sensational secret from a wedding. But is the rumour mill grinding chaff, or grains of truth? Masala has done the legwork for you and asked those in the know for their list of juiciest tidbits from the wedding grapevine.
“During the sangeet, an auntie made a last-minute request to perform for the couple. We agreed, only to find that her ‘performance’ consisted of her singing happy birthday to her adult son, who wasn’t even at the event to enjoy his mother’s dubious talents.”
— MORTIFIED HOST
“Once one of the grooms whose wedding I planned forgot to bring enough underwear, so I had to go buy him some, which meant that he had to give me his chaddi size – and he did!”
— OVER-INFORMED WEDDING PLANNER
“The bride had married someone who was clearly wealthier than her, and during the wedding itself, we all heard her mother-in-law tell the bride that her wedding jewellery was too small. To make matters worse, the MIL went out of the way to over shadow the bride by deliberately wearing heavier outfits and bigger jewellery through out the entire wedding. So tacky!”
— SCANDALISED ATTENDEE
“The mandap collapsed only a few minutes after the bride and groom had left! A photographer sustained minor injuries, and we all had to rush in to rescue a child trapped underneath. They were fine, thankfully, but it was a close call!”
– LITERAL LIFE SAVER
“The pundit clearly liked the sound of his voice too much, even though the bride and groom specifically requested a short ceremony as they both weren’t religious. After three hours of mantras, we had to switch off his microphone, and when that didn’t work, we switched off the electrical mains until he finally got the hint but only because once the lights came back on, everyone had left.”
“I once got a panicked call from one of the groom’s relatives, who’d never flown out of India before, because he said the shower tap wasn’t working. When we checked it out, it turned out that he didn’t know how it worked and had broken it, flooding the bathroom, the bedroom, and even the outside hallway.”
— PLANNER, NOT PLUMBER!
“On the way to the celebration, one of the vans full of staff for the wedding was in an accident that involved five cars and two motorbikes. Thank God everyone was fine, but the police commissioner needed everyone’s documents of employment, which they didn’t have, and so I had to spend the entire night forging them.”
— COUNT COUNTERFEIT
“I’ll never forget the wedding where they had run out of crockery to make Dahl so they used a copper light fixture instead. Not sure if that affected the taste or not!”
– DUBIOUS FOODIE
“The hotel complained because of some disturbance in the pool area. We couldn’t really understand what they were saying, so we went down to see what the commotion was about. Looks like the (imported) Pundit was really struggling with the Bangkok heat, because he had jumped into the water; while others were splashing around in their bikinis and swim shorts, he just stood in the middle, fully dressed, with his dhoti flapping about like wings.”
— FAN OF PUNDIT PHELPS
“I guess the bride and groom were really keen on having a white horse for the baraat. Halfway through the parade, it started to rain heavily, sending all the guests running helter-skelter. Even amidst all the chaos, however, everybody noticed the gleaming white horse’s coat slowly turning brown under the downpour. The nifty wedding planner, unable to source the horse, had painted a brown one white—and neglected to tell the couple about her DIY approach. They were furious!”
— DUPED WITNESS
“Sure, weddings are times of celebration, but in this wedding a guest took it too far – he got so drunk that he ended up urinating behind the mandap. I guess some people just can’t control their susu when they’re on the sauce.”
“At my brother’s wedding, while we all wore gowns for the reception, the afterparty was pyjama-themed. That’s how we were able to easily identify two wedding crashers, who, in their red-carpet-ready attire, stood out like sore thumbs. The twist is that these girls were amazing: they danced with all the uncles and aunties until 6am, and were the life of the party. We had to quietly tell all our actual guests not to ask the pair whether they were from the groom’s side or the bride’s side, because we were afraid they would freak out and leave!”
— PARTNER IN CRIME
“The problem with trying to arrange a sit-down dinner at an Indian wedding is having fickle guests. Ones that promise to come don’t show up, and some who do show up bring extra guests. At one wedding, the seating arrangements got so messed up that around 40 guests, including me, ended up sitting on the lawn for our lavish eight-course meal. I was still okay in my suit, but I felt really bad for the ladies in saris.
— GRASS STAINS