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Dear Aunty D: July 2020

by Ashima

Aunty D advises you on matters of life and love.

AGONY ANT

Dear Aunty D,

I am unable to walk much or cook due to a recent accident, and my wonderful aunt elected to take me in. I couldn’t be more grateful, but her bathroom is chock-full of creepy crawlies. I can’t even clean my teeth without the brush getting covered in toothpaste-hungry insects. My aunt seems totally oblivious, and I am currently not strong enough to tackle this infestation single-handedly. She is a stickler for hygiene and I’m afraid she’ll interpret any comments as a criticism of her cleanliness. However, it’s been three weeks and I just want to use the bathroom in peace. What should I do?

Dear Agony Ant,

You are fortunate to find a soul that’s giving you a room, with bathroom attached, in today’s I’m too-busy-for-you
world. Aunty-dear seems a kindly soul, a touch too kind maybe, and doesn’t have the heart to displace the insect community from the guest bathroom. So, arm yourself with a few cans of Mortein, wear a mask (beg, borrow or steal one), and big shades so the poor critters won’t know whodunnit! Then, tip the maid to clean-up the crime scene.

MOTHER-IN-LAW OF INVENTION

Dear Aunty D,

My recently divorced mother-in-law has been living in our household for over four weeks now and I don’t know how much more I can take. Most recently, having spent all day watching videos about the coronavirus on her phone, she cut up one of my expensive bras and altered it into a face mask to wear while she went out shopping. I’m convinced she’s using the virus as an excuse to mess with my belongings and embarrass me. Is it time to give her the boot?

Dear Mother-in-Law of Invention,

Please rid yourself of the perpetuated myth that MILs are witches. She just walked out of a long-time marriage and is alone and scared and unsure where life is heading. It’s unimportant whether she reciprocates or not, but your home will radiate love if you make peace deep within your own soul and send vibrations of acceptance and goodwill. Please don’t have hubby choose between the two of you, there is no winner; rather, it’ll leave him incomplete and scarred permanently. Today you are young and independent, tomorrow gives no assurances to anybody. As ye sow, so shall ye reap!

BAD HAIR DAY

Dear Aunty D,

I have an unusual problem. Recently, my husband seems less hairy than usual. I’ve always been attracted to the virile, bushy type but recently his body hair seems rather lacking to say the least. I’m concerned he’s begun waxing himself- something I explicitly forbade him to do during the early days of our relationship. He has been exercising a lot recently (yay!) but I’m afraid he’s been getting some strange ideas from his fellow gym-goers. I want a man, not a boy. How do I approach this situation?

Dear Bad Hair Day,

Either your husband has finally heard his inner calling, or he’s just peppering up his mundane existence. I always say, if you can’t beat them, join them. Stop waxing your upper lip, underarms and your legs and take to wearing loose-fitting shirts and men’s trousers! Play role reversals!

Have an etiquette question? Send your dilemmas to tom@masalathai.com. Write “Dear Aunty Dolly” in the subject line.

 

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